My never ending journey…life

When exactly do we really start planning for our future? As in, setting our aim in life, planning and deciding what career we want to pursue in future. Some might say they do it right from the beginning, as little children, dreaming of becoming a doctor or an engineer, without having the slightest idea what it means to be a doctor or an engineer. And there are some who start thinking about their future when they are matured enough to take those decisions. And there is yet another lot who do not do the thinking, dreaming or deciding at all… it is all done by their parents or guardians. And they are the silent followers of the dreams dreamt by their parents.

Well, for me, the dreaming part had begun right from my childhood. And I used to live my dreams by playing out those roles on my own. I played being a lawyer, a singer and even a teacher. In fact, whenever I had trouble in learning my lessons, I would pretend to be a teacher and explain the whole chapter to the wall, which would make it easier for me to remember the lesson. On the other hand, inspired by reality shows like Indian Idol and Sa Re Ga Ma Pa which had just emerged during that time, I even had plans to take my interest in music seriously and take up singing as a profession. But well, that was never to be. Dreams remained dreams.

And then the real thing happened. I was in the 8^th Standard when my sister was doing her M.A in Mass Communication and Journalism in Tezpur University. And having noticed that her work seemed liked fun and seeing her enjoying what she did in those two years, I subconsciously made up my mind to follow her footsteps. I decided that I too want to be involved in writing for the media, or learn how to make television documentaries and radio dramas. I wanted to make television advertisements too. Well, that was all I knew about Mass Communications and Journalism back then.

After that, my plans to make music my life took a backseat and it remained just a hobby. Instead another hobby which had been in the backseat for long came up to the forefront. My love for writing fuelled my desire to study journalism. And that was a decision I stuck with and stood by right till the moment I did it. And boy! What a journey it has been, once I started living my dream!

A year before joining the course at Tezpur University, another blessing by the name of Fried Eye came to my life. I joined Fried Eye, and for the first time, found enough confidence to call myself a writer. And from being a writer, I became a member of the Fried Eye family for good. And a year’s worth of experiences of working in an online magazine did wonders for me when I came to study Mass Communication and Journalism.

Though it was not easy to cope up with the stress of work, I felt this is how it is going to be as a media professional no matter which branch of it we choose as a specialization. Be it Advertising, Public Relations, Reporting, Editing, Photography, Television production, Radio production or Online Journalism, it is no child’s play. But then, is there any profession in this world which is easy enough? If one wishes to make one’s presence felt in the society, one has to go through every kind of difficulty, big or small. And for me, the biggest challenge was to manage time. And needless to say, in our field, Time is of utmost importance. “Deadline” is something we have to meet every other day.

In the beginning, I had to struggle to do all those things which sounds to any layman as “fun”. Be it designing an advertisement copy, or thinking of an advertisement concept, taking photographs for an exhibition or shooting for a news story, writing a news report or editing reports written by others, preparing countless PowerPoint presentations, recording for a radio talk and editing it or designing a website, everything has been like a huge mountain that I just climbed. It might sound crazy, but even watching a movie has started becoming an assignment for me where instead of enjoying the story and the songs and dances, I end up analyzing various aspects of the movie. But at the same time, in the last one year, I have learnt more stuff than I ever have in my entire life.

And now, I have another year to learn it all and soon it will be time for me to actually be a part of the “media” which we all happily criticize or praise every single day. Maybe I will end up as a reporter, as a journalist, work for a newspaper or magazine, or a television production house or even end up as a teacher. But no matter what lies in the future, the fact remains that I have followed my heart, and will be living my dream, when it comes to living my life.

Dreams, Hopes and the Rainbow!

The last droplets of rain
landed on my feet,
As I sat there, beneath the leafless tree.
Benign silence pervaded the air
with nothing but the birds trying to play with the wind.

I needed a moment with myself
To read my own thoughts
They were illegible…
They were etched in a heart,
that was not mine.

The dreams that were drawn
The hopes that were built
Have been dead since long.
Only the ashes of memories remain.

Was it worth it? I ask.
It probably wasn’t.

The rain had soaked me,
not with wetness
but with guilt, numbing my senses.

The end should have never come
But it did.
Only, did it have to be so ruthless?
The answer fails me.

A thin ray of the sun fell on my trembling hands,
that were drenched in the rain
The raindrops glistened.
They looked like dreams!

The numbness started to fade
As I stared at the sun
and the faint rainbow that appeared from behind.
It looked like hope!

I closed my eyes and let go…
Reading the silence again
It felt like myself
My awakened self!

Of What Remained Behind

While the remaining droplets of the cold rain

Placed themselves silently

On the petals of the roses

That crept beneath my window sill;

I dreamt in silence too

Blissfully unaware of the wind

Playing havoc with my hair,

Unaware that I had fallen asleep

Right there with my head resting

Against the window pane

And my body, curled up against the cold wall.

I dreamt about my dreams; our dreams

Which were stowed away, suppressed

In our hearts, for what seemed like an eternity.

The promises that I broke

The words that you couldn’t keep

And the moments that life did not let us live…

I longed for your touch, full of love

To gently wake me up

Instead, there came a gush of ruthless rain

That disrupted my blissful sleep.

The night was growing darker and colder And lonelier too…

All I could do was let the rain play its music

And the wind play its game

And let my mind wander again…in your thoughts

In our thoughts

While I fixed my eyes on the droplets of rain

Resting on the petals of the roses That crept beneath my window sill.

All’s Well That Ends well

[It has been a while, actually a lot more than just a while, since I wrote something. Something that includes stuff about myself, my life and the people in it. It is the last day of the year, and my Facebook homepage is filled with everyone reviewing their experiences of the past year. So, why should I be the odd one out? Well, more than my desire to look back on to the events of 2011, it is more my desire to end the year with a few words instead of vague emptiness that is responsible for what follows]:

2011 began with a much awaited picnic with the family and family-friends to a tea-estate in Rangapara which was pretty much drenched by an awfully chilly fun-spoiler rain. But somehow it had managed to take my mind away from 2010 which had ended pretty badly, with a bad heart-break and lots of tears. Then followed the three-month imprisonment at home till the final exams of my graduation. The single factor that frustrated me during those three months was the fact that people (viz. my parents, teachers and the well wishers) had so many expectations from me which I deeply feared; I wouldn’t be able to meet. Thankfully, I did. Though the worst part was that after the results were out, everyone else seemed satisfied with my results, some were awed and most were full of praise; i.e all, except myself. I realized for the first time that I had more many expectations from myself which I could not meet, than those others had of me.

The next big thing that happened to me this year was of course- TEZPUR UNIVERSITY. Having sacrificed my share of relaxation and fun after the big GRAD FINALS (which were almost immediately followed by the T.U entrance examinations) I slogged on to prepare for the entrances. Step by step, phase after phase, I found myself clearing the written test, the group discussion and the interview. But it was only after I went through the admission process, filled out the forms, went through the line, paid the admission fees and held the admission receipt in my hand; I actually believed that I am now a student of Tezpur Central University in the Department of Mass Communication and Journalism. Little did I know then that I was looking ahead to a journey which was definitely no cake-walk. And then the new life began. A new home (the campus), a new set of friends, a new set of teachers, a whole new set of books and endless notes, photocopies and printouts to immerse myself in, a new state of mind, and of course, a new life-style was what happened in the next four months, with a dash (no, a lot ) of extremely busy schedules, pressure to cope up with the new system and to meet deadlines and frustration at being unable to do it all like I had planned to. But then there were also things in the midst of all these which made me feel better. The addas with the friends in the evenings, the maggi and the momo, the parties at the SOE dhaba and yes, the days when I could come home and spend some time in my own room, with the family and go out to meet my old friends who have always been a part of my life, before T.U.

Apart from my new classmates and the new set of friends in the university who made my 2011 special, there were three other new important characters who entered my life. First came along a 16 year old kid, Maharnab Hazarika who became a very dear brother and who had the time to listen to every bit of nonsense stuff I loved to keep chattering about during the day. And over the months, he became the only person other than my soul sister, my best friend Jubee whom I could trust with all my heart and share everything with. He was the only person this year who bothered to ask me every day, how my day went. And when he did, even if my day was not good, I would end up with a smile on my face.

By October, the next big thing happened and along came the next new person in my life. My only sister got married and I had a new member in the family, my long awaited Bhindo. Though I had known my brother in law since years, it was different having him in the family officially. Planning and preparing for wedding and finally going through the day as the “Sister of the Bride” was yet another memorable journey and a big experience this year.

The third among the “new characters” of my 2011 was my brand new BSA Ladybird that came along as a thing of necessity but ended up being my best friend that stood there for me throughout the autumn semester in the University during times when I needed to be with myself, but didn’t like being alone. My Ladybird, as I call her, was my proud steed that helped me save a lot of time and energy and helped me cure me of traffic-phobia, because of which I had never dared ride a bicycle after I had fallen off one back when I was in the 6th standard. She might be short (as she has been specially adjusted for my awesome height) and might have a very girlish look (because I had no choice) but she is mine and I love her all the same, despite the jokes that she is subject to.

The last month of the year presented me with yet another exclusive experience. Deciding to stay back after the end term examinations to attend the 27th East-Zone Inter University Youth Festival held in our very own Tezpur University from 16th to 20th December, when most of our classmates preferred to go back home, was probably one of the best decisions I took this year. The five-day festival, the multi cultural array of the various events and meeting and exchanging experiences the students coming in from 19 different universities from across India was an experience like I never had before in my life. The enjoyment was totally out of this world. I, along with my smart friends who also decided to stay back, had immense fun and those five days were definitely the best in the whole year.

My review of my 2011 will remain incomplete if I do not talk about the people who, like always, have been a part of my life, and made my year worth all the more worth living. I thank my best friends Jubee and Enisha, and my other very special friends like Abhijit Mahanta, and my friends in the University Manjil P. Saikia, Abhilash Sharma, Saurabh Kumar Karn, Abhijit Baruah, Purbaraag Choudhury, Manali Deka, Nabanita Das, Medha Aich, Bhavna Devchoudhury and Bhrigu Talukdar for being there for me whenever I needed and for listening to my bickering all the time and for never letting me feel lonely. I thank my dear Kaiyeng Amardeep Pegu for still being the best elder brother in the whole world. I thank Upasana Das for being a great sister and giving me the opportunity to start a new venture with Word Splash. And I would also like to thank Pramathesh Borkotoky and Mani Padma for constantly believing in me when I lost confidence in myself and also the rest of the FRIED EYE team for keeping me going. It might not have started off well, and it might have had several bumpy roads on the way, but the satisfaction that it has ended with all my near and dear ones still safely resting in my heart, with no regrets and with nothing to cry about, is more comforting than anything else. After all, all’s well that ends well. Isn’t it?

Solitude

I must have been in deep sleep

For, when I opened my eyes

I could not remember a thing

The room was empty

Totally void…

But for an air of solitude!

And a warm fire for company.

I tried hard, but I could not feel

I could not smile, nor could I cry

Not a single emotion could I remember…

And I lay back on the floor,

Closing my eyes again

Tried to sing myself a lullaby…

Just then, a ray of sunshine flooded the room

And so did my memory.

Unbearable was the pain…

I wanted to be left to myself

In the dark

Just be on my own

And celebrate my solitude

All alone…

With just my memories,

And the magnificent fire for company

THE YEARS GONE BY

The earliest memories that I can recall of my childhood would be me sitting on a huge bed surrounded by endless bits and pieces of toys, broken and whole, miniature cutlery, dolls, even cars and soft toys. I was never like the ones who would run about the place creating havoc in the house, but used to sit silently and play by myself and then lull myself to sleep at the same place whenever I got tired. I used to be pretty eager to go to school… In fact, I remember very clearly the day I first went to school, at the age of 3 and a half. Unlike other kids around me, I did not cry a bit. Instead, when my mom came to pick me up, I asked her to come a little later, as I wanted to stay back a little longer, play for a little while with my new friends. I was small and thin with tiny little eyes; the very eyes that stood wide open as I stared at my school building 18 years later, wishing hard that I was a 3 year old once again.

If I look back now, it all seems like a dream that I have just had. Everything is still fresh in my mind. Yes, a dream it has been… The story of my life…The perfect family… The perfect home… The perfect school… And it seems like just yesterday when I first went to school in my little uniform. And the saga went on and on… School was the best part of my life. I loved every day of it, every single bit of it. Even the bitter moments, I’ve cherished… Be it the irritating afternoons in nursery and kinder-garten when we were forcefully put to sleep for 3 whole periods after lunch, or the times when we were made to keep standing if we couldn’t recite a rhyme properly, or the times when I forgot to take my text book or a homework copy and then dreaded punishment. The times when I used to forget to wear my white P.T shoes and tried to escape the class by pretending to be sick to avoid the teacher’s wrath… The time when I, along with my friends would get caught breaking rules… I was never the one willing to break rules, actually. But, once in a while, even I couldn’t hold on to the chains. Most of it was for sheer fun, in fact. Like, sitting in the last bench and eating tiffin… I never did that because I was hungry. I did it only because it felt good, to be creating memories…Memories that can only be cherished later on in life when we would be tied down with responsibilities and worries.

I still remember the day my dad got me two table tennis bats and a yellow ping pong ball. I believe I was in the 4th standard then. From the very next day, I started playing the game at school. I was no good at first, of course. But, I don’t even remember when I started getting the hang of the game and got so good at it that I couldn’t think of putting the bat down. I was passionate about just this one sport in my entire life. I never liked any other game or sport other than an occasional shot at badminton. Even till the last day at school, I kept playing table tennis perfecting my hand. Sadly though, I never played the game any day after school ended.

Even the troubled early teenage years of my life at school seems to be calling back to me. They were painful and exciting at the same time. I made many mistakes, had many adventures and learnt many valuable lessons, and most important of all, I made some lifelong friendships which have played a big role in shaping who I am today. My family, my teachers and my friends of all shapes and sizes, all color and communities and of all kinds of personalities, somehow never made me realize that I was actually growing up…

Coming back to memories, I can still remember my last birthday at school, my 16^th birthday. The chocolate cake, the gathering during the lunch break, cutting the cake and my crazy friends smearing the chocolate icing all over my face and shirt… it’s all still fresh in my mind. And I remember only too well the long lecture I had to endure from Sr. Veronica in the after-lunch assembly because I was all messed up. I remember my friends running up to me to rescue me taking the blame on them. Oh! How I love them all for that. It made up for everything else.  How I miss those classes which we used to find boring at times. Ma’am Ratna’s Assamese classes where we could meet our friends from the other section and sit wherever we liked… Ma’am Sonali’s English classes which would be the hub of all kinds of interesting discussions… Ma’am Mamta’s Grammar classes where she would always come up with an innovative activity… Sr. Licy’s Social Science classes which we loved the most because often she would take us out to sit under the big tree in the playground… Her classes of Moral Science where we were divided into groups and made to do interesting projects… Ma’am Sapnali’s Science classes where she would throw a piece of chalk at whoever was talking (and she never missed her targets)… Oh! How I miss those precious moments when our teachers used to scold us, punish us. Yes I do. Had it not been for those stern words, I might not have been what I am today. And if there’s one day from my yesteryears I’d more than love to relive again, it would definitely be Teachers’ Day, 2005. For the first time, on Sr. Licy’s order, we reluctantly broke the tradition of Class X students wearing saree on Teacher’s Day and to worsen our already miserable moods, it rained cats and dogs, threatening to drown all our preparations and to spoil the day. However, we ended up having the best day of our lives. Ah! The awesome dance in the rain, fun like I never had before… We were actually glad that we were not in sarees but in our uniforms. I remember myself jumping up and down like a little girl that day. But, even then, I was just a child; dying to grow up…

And today, all of a sudden I find myself to be a 22 year old who would gladly give anything to become a 12 year old again. Anything to spend just one day with all my batch-mates in the school, having fun like we used to even 6 years back.  To think of it, I’m still the same, as far as my face and my heart are concerned. I’m still confused for a 7^th grader. I am little, but I’m not 12. I might be matured, but I hate to let go of the little girl in me… Still the baby in the house, my parents and sister continue to pamper me, treat me like am a 5 yr old or something, and to my surprise, I love it being that way.

I don’t know if it’s being childish to try to hold back my entire past, my entire childhood, and particularly those magical years of my school life all at once. Maybe I am trying to collect all my 21 years together and trying to pack them in my back pack and trudge along my way into the future…into the 22^nd year of my life I’m facing… I am in the 3^rd decade of my life and it simply is not like before. Where did it all go? Where is my past? Where did I leave those 12 magical years of school behind?  I wondered, as I stood back and stared at the huge school building. Our school building. Our S.J.C!

 

THE WOMAN THAT I AM TODAY

Yes, I will admit first hand that this post has been triggered off just because today is Women’s Day. But what I wanted to say through this post has been in my heart since long back. I guess, it does take 21 years of life to realize what being a woman really means. And I am glad that I am one lucky woman.

We have heard so often that behind every successful man, there is a woman. I am not sure if that saying is a fact, or whether it is universally true. Neither am I going to argue on that. But, one thing that I know and believe is that the influence of the women in one’s life (irrespective of one’s gender) is far, far greater than that of the men around one’s proximity. And like I said, the men may or may not agree to this dictum (not my concern, anyways) and therefore, I dedicate this post to the TOP TEN most important women in my life, who have imprinted long lasting marks of influence at different junctures in my entire journey through life, till date and each of whom, I can proudly say, have major roles to play in making me what I am today. These are the women whom I love, admire, respect and would treasure deep in my heart forever. So here goes:

Note: it is not in order of their importance in my life, but by order of the time of their presence in my life.

1. The Mom: Like every other sane person on planet Earth, I too consider my mother as the most important woman of my life. Being born as a woman was probably the best thing that has happened to me in this lifetime, next only to being born to one very beautiful woman who has a heart of pure gold. The beauty of her soul can be seen in the beauty of her face; the beauty which I can never match up to. Though very strict, a cleanliness freak and a hardcore disciplinarian, my mother has never made me feel imprisoned or pinned down with her book of rules, and several ‘do’s and ‘do-not’s. She has brought me up with strong values and beliefs which ensures that regardless of what company I fall into or what situation befalls me, I can always remain the same person inside, never give in to what I should not and never forget that had it not been for her tug of restrain over me, I would have never learnt to appreciate my freedom and liberty and the joy of being a woman.

2. The Sister: The second most important woman who has made distinguished impact on my life all these years is my elder sister. Given the huge age gap of eight years between us, we got along pretty well over the years. But, to be frank, my childhood and her teenage was a difficult combination put together. But then, there came a period of nearly seven years when we were away from each other, owing to her higher studies and job; and that kind of awakened our sisterly emotions in us. My sister, I believe, is one person who totally knows what she is doing and can never go wrong. And I believe she has been designed just for me. I trust her blindly to decide anything for me. She makes everything make sense to me. And I absolutely love her for what she is and take pride in saying that “She is my sister.”

3. The Grand Mom: Another wonderful lady that I have adored since my childhood is my maternal grand mom. In fact, she is at present my only living grandparent and she tops the list of the people whom I can never ever bear to lose in my life. It was she who was my first inspiration to write my first ever poem at the age of six. She would visit us just once a year, but that one visit used to scratch deep impact on my mind for the entire year till her next visit. I would live with the stories that she would narrate, create an imaginary world of my own and pen down every other thought that would cross my mind into poems and stories. They were no good, but it made me happy and always left me wanting to write something meaningful someday. She is an excellent writer herself and every time she came, she would bring me several books and instilled in me the love for reading, which I have in me even today. I totally, totally adore her for being the sweetest, cutest, most jovial and the best grand mom ever.

4. The Teacher: Moving away from the family, the next woman who etched her name in my mind for a long time is Kiran Mahalia, my 4th Standard English teacher. On the first day of the scholastic year, in the first English class, stepped in a very pretty lady with the most beautiful smile. The first question that she asked us was- “Who is the first rank holder of the class? Come to the front!” That was me. Smiling broadly and confidently, I went ahead and stood near her. She said, “Spell the word Lieutenant.” And there you go- I didn’t know!!! I tried, but I was wrong. I felt foolish. But then, nobody in the class could spell the word correctly (for 4th graders, it did seem a difficult word to spell). I don’t know how many of our classmates would remember this, but I still remember the way she taught us the trick to remember the spelling of the word (breaking it into lie-u-ten-ant). She instantly became my favorite teacher, and English thereafter became my favorite subject. I fell in love with the language and till the end of my school life; it was one subject where I never scored below 80. Kiran Ma’am didn’t teach us for long, but somehow (probably she was a lucky charm) every English teacher I had in my entire school life after her became my most favorite teachers and the ones to influence me the most. Much later, after passing out from school, I met her again in the Dept. of Mass Communication and Journalism, Tezpur University; the same department where my sister was studying at that time (and now working in the same) and ever since then, she has become Kiran Ba for me. I still admire her.

The next few ladies who have made the greatest impact on my life are my naturally some of my closest friends. I have had a number of friends during my school life as well as my college life, but very few have made a mark in my heart that is incorrigible.

5. The Topper: I was no longer the class topper from 4th grade onwards. Joyshree Sharma (the then geek) was the one who took over (and never budged from the place till the school leaving exams). I envied her (oh yes, I did) but could never match up to her. It took several years for both of us to get along with each other but, when we did (from 7th standard onwards), she never let me down. She was the nerd of the class, and frankly, not very popular among the classmates because she was the teachers’ pet. I however, really admired her for her determination and sincerity. She was one person who, by pulling the strings of the whole class during her reign as the School Head Girl, kept us all disciplined (whether or not my classmates will agree, I don’t really know). All I want to say is that she is one girl who has always inspired me and whose example I still quote to my little brothers and sisters. (I am, however, also glad that she is thankfully no longer a geek).

6. The Partner in Crime: Another dear friend, Drihata Kakati, whom I have known for almost 10 years now, has also played a very important role in making me what I am today. We used to fight like cats and dogs during the first few months of our “friendship”. But then, soon as we got to know each other better, and when the GEMINI factor came in, we saw that we had a lot in common and ended up being buddies. We were neighbors, we used to go to school together by bus, and we used to go to the same tuition classes, and spent almost all the time together. She was crazy (she still is) and totally the “fun to be with” girl. Yes, she was my partner in crime. Bunking tuitions and going out to eat was our favorite thing to do. I feel weird now thinking how much smuggled pocket money we wasted on junk food and useless stuff. But, hell! It was all so much fun. I learnt to “have fun” and “enjoy life” from her. From her, I learnt to be bold. And it was to her that I confided in my very first “secrets”. And despite having an on-and-off friendship at several points, we’ve remained buddies and still have “fun” together.

7. The Soul-Sister: Every woman probably would know what I mean when I say “Soul sister”. I found mine eight years back. Jubee Agarwal was someone whom I had never had the opportunity to talk to (neither felt the need to) despite being from the same class (but different sections) in school till we were placed together in the same section and co-incidentally made to sit together in class, in the 8th standard. Though we were both of very opposite natures, uncanny connections held us together and in her I found the friend I was looking for. She made me smile when no one else could. She stood by me no matter what or who came in between. She was one soul I could turn to whenever I was in a mess. I could pour my heart out to her (totally un-edited versions) and in the last eight years, I have never felt that I am alone. She has taught me to trust. She has taught me to believe in angels (and one of them is her). Though we were not born as sisters, we ended up being soul-sisters for life. And this lovely woman is one who I trust with my entire life.

8. The Best Friend: My right hand, as I call her, Enisha Kalita indeed is the best “best friend” I could ever have. Seven years down the line of knowing each other, and five years of being best buddies has made me realize that we are so, not because we chose to be, but because we were meant to be. One constant support, the constant company and the next person after the Partner in Crime with whom I have had unlimited fun is her. One of the most beautiful ladies I have ever known, this girl also has a beautiful soul and a family that treats me like their own (yes, even their dog). Sharing every little joy and pain, and every frame of life in the last five years has deepened our bond so much that I am dreading the change in my life style that will come when she might soon move out of town to pursue her own dreams.

9. The Bundle of Smiles: This is one lady who I think has one of the most beautiful smiles and who is actually a package of a number of talents, the best one being her way with words. I and Sankhya Samhita, who was my senior in school, got in touch after a long period of time through Facebook a year back. At that point, I was frustrated about various things in life. And once, after a very bad day, as I was browsing Facebook, I came across a note written by her that made me say, “My feelings exactly.” I read all her notes that very night (there were more than 30) and it made think. The fact was that I felt like those words were coming out of my own mind. How many times had I not thought about this thing and that, how many times have I not been through the same?… But, the difference was that this lady penned it all, and I had not. I realized that this was exactly what I wanted to do. Exactly a month later I put together several unpublished, tucked away poems written by me at random moments and completed a couple of half-done notes and sent them to her. She introduced me to Fried Eye (the e-zine she works for) and I started writing my way out too. She has inspired me to write. She has taught me to express. And yes, she has brought in bundles of smiles to my life.

10. The Advisor: Another woman whom I have come to know since less than 6 months back, but has already become an important part of my life is Upasana Das. I have met her just once, that too very recently but we feel like we’ve always known each other. The way we became friends was kind of out of the blue. We bonded instantly, and she is like my elder sister of some previous lifetime. Always ready with solid pieces of advice and immense concern for me, this tom boyish girl has made her place in my heart among the Top Ten and shall always remain. And if I am not utterly wrong, I believe, the feeling is mutual.

So, that was it. These are the Top Ten women who have made some or the other difference to my life in ways that they themselves probably might not be aware of. Today, on the occasion of Women’s Day, I take the opportunity to thank each one of them profusely. Thanks for being wonderful sources of love, joy and encouragement and for changing my life in various small ways.

P.S: And also to a few men who have, after all, a role to play in making me the woman that I am today!

HAPPY WOMEN’S DAY!!!

Ah! December…

The blue sky, covered with white mist,
In the early morning of a cold December day
The icy cold wind,
The fresh aura
Encloses me in a blanket of love.
And, I can’t but smile…
“Winter is here again”
The sky has cast a different spell,
It seems like it is showering love,
Like before, like every December!
Memories flicker in my mind, of chilly December evenings
Long walks, in solitude
Yet, feeling content…
The happy days,
In the welcoming warmth of the sun…
There was sunshine, there was life
There were many smiles
Because it was December!
December is here again,
With promises and eternal hope
A year dies, and a new one is born,
And a new life arises… Ah! December…

THE UNBORN CHILD

If, you would have touched my face
Just for once,
I bet, you would have never let go of me.
If, you would have seen me,
Cringe to the sight of the world
You would have run to shield me from it.
If, you would have been there
To witness my first words,
You would have insisted on going on listening to them.
If, you would have seen me holding my hands out
I know, you would have caught hold of them tight.
If, I could have shown you what I could do,
You would have been proud of me.
If, you would have started loving me,
It would have hurt you to see me dying.
You will now never know what it feels to have me,
What it feels to have a daughter, a little girl…
You would have,
If only, you would have let me see this world
And not wanted me killed
On knowing that it’s Me, and not “him”…

A TRIBUTE TO THE WRONG COLLEGE

There are some things in life, the memories of which we always cherish, right from the scratch, right from when we begin to experience them, because, we are aware of the fact the these days are going to be missed terribly once they get over. The golden memories of school days can be cited as the perfect example of such. There are also some things in life, which have always been close to our hearts, but we never realize it, until we are confronted with the task of having to let go of it or stop being a part of it altogether. And, I, at the moment happen to be a victim of such a predicament.
The memories of the day I had stepped through the gates of Darrang College into the premises, is still fresh in my mind, my heart thumping loud, apprehensive about the life ahead of me, and trying hard not to stumble or trip anywhere (as that’s what I’m pretty good at). I remember myself, along with a few friends, feeling lost, trying to find our classroom, and ending up being late for class the very first day. After that initial first day, the first year in college was a wild ride. I just let go of myself, allowing myself to get carried away, making as many mistakes as I could, breaking as many rules as I could and messing up my life as bad as I could (Let me not get into the details of how badly my life was messed up, or else it might just curb all the smiles that I intend to bring in with this post). But, as I got deeper involved in the messy situation, the more hatred I started developing for the college, for the people around me.
Yes, it was tough, to face it all alone. And, I probably would have given up for good, had I not been blessed with a few angels in the form of friends. They took me through, they rescued me when I was in trouble, they brought me back to life when I was depressed and they made me smile. I even remember that little accident I had outside the college just in my first week, and I still haven’t forgotten the one who had saved my life. The college canteen (which used to good at a certain point of time), the long verandas, the open fields (during winter) and Avijit Stores used to be my solace, and the only places that made me want to come to college. At that time, I had no plans of studying in this college for more than two years. I hated everything about the college (except my friends, of course)… Everything, starting from the classrooms, the classes, the ones who took them, the ones who attended, to the gossips and the people I couldn’t stand. I had managed to polish out a long list of people termed as “enemies” (who hated me as well) in the very first year. Even though in the second year, I steadied down, decided to mend my ways, concentrated on my studies, attended my classes regularly, vowed to get good grades and did achieve the desired result at last, I was still dying to get out of the college as soon as possible, all the while. The change in me had appeared only as a result of the desire to show my worth to those people who got on the wrong side of me, for all the wrong reasons. I was on cloud nine the day my results of H.S final exams had been declared. I got what I wanted- awed stares and a big question mark on the faces of those people who had made my life hell which gave me a sense of satisfaction that nothing else ever could.
It was at this point that my life took a whole new turn. Though I had enough opportunities to leave the college and get out of Tezpur for my graduation, and I had well enough marks to get admission to any good college I wanted, for some odd, weird, out of the world reason, I decided to stay back in this wretched little place and complete my graduation from this very college. To add to my absurdity, I gave up the idea of studying English literature, which had been my dream since long back, and for a reason I could not identify till date, I took up Political Science as my major subject, the only subject in which I had not scored a letter mark in the H.S finals. I had very poor understanding of it and I had no idea why I decided to choose it. And it’s only now, in my last days in my college, that I’ve realized that it has been the best decision I’ve ever made in life.
When I started being a part of the Dept. of Political Science as a student of B.A Part I, something told me that life in the college would be better now that most of the people I hated were no longer around me. I made very few new friends, and I was suddenly happy being on my own, with the remaining handful of my old friends and spent two years of utter bliss, being the good student as well as the good friend (attending major classes regularly, and bunking the rest mostly). Two more angels entered my life during this time, both being my juniors, whom I loved like my own sisters. I had problems, which had nothing to do the college, and they were constantly by my side helping me out, making me thank the Lord again and again for sending them to my life. However, even amidst this sheer bliss, the college let me down several times. Like the time, during the Fresher’s function, when I had been waiting backstage, for my turn to perform, and a huge fight broke out, destroying the whole show in a single moment, and, unlucky as I was, the rest of the function was cancelled. Or the time my mobile handset was abducted by the authorities (spelt- VICE PRINCIPAL) when I was caught using it for no wrong purpose, but at the same time others around me who were putting theirs to no better use than listening to music, escaped unscathed.
The major turning point came only this year, into my fifth year of being a student of Darrang College that I’ve actually come to be attached (emotionally) to the college, and especially to my department, which is now like a second home to me. I probably would have never learnt to look at teachers as something more than people who love to eat our heads off, had I not encountered the gems of our department, who are the best mentors I’ve come across in my entire life. I couldn’t have found a better training ground to prepare myself for the world beyond the grounds of Darrang College. And yes, even though it sounds absurd, I love being the Teacher’s pet, though I’m not geeky at all. I love the friendly environment of the place, where I don’t have to bother about what I’m talking about, or to whom. I don’t have to count my words or double-check my behavior.
Now, as I find myself facing the last few weeks in college, everything that I used to hate about The Wrong College (as I had been desperately trying to prove since the last five years), has dramatically turned right for me during this last year of my college life. The time spent in college, since last May till date is going to be the most cherished, most memorable. The place that I had been dying to get out of a few years ago seems to be pulling me back more and more into its depth, making me wish this year never comes to an end. Over the years, Darrang College has given me a number of reasons to cry, given me a number of reasons to loath the place but it has given me even better reasons to smile and incomparable gifts in the form of relationships that I shall forever treasure. It has given me a best buddy for life (whom I call my right hand), a small but strong group of friends, and a dear brother, without whom life in the Wrong College would have indeed been very difficult for me.
Hardly two months later, I’ll no longer be a part of Darrang College, and I’ll miss every bit of it dearly. I’ll miss preparing the Wall Magazine for the department, taking part in activities, the strolls we take between classes, the visits to Avijit Sores (though I’ll not miss Avijit da much since I’m always going to be his regular and favorite customer) the endless gossips, the celebrations, “raksha bandhan” (when I always come home laden with goodies from my dear brothers), and of course the classes which we kept wishing for to get over soon. I realized my love for the college the day I couldn’t stand some outsider criticizing “my” college and snapped at him for talking rubbish about my college (even though every word he said was true). I’m sure every Darrangian reading this note will somehow or the other will be able to identify himself/herself with it. At least for me, “It was definitely the Wrong College, but nothing more right ever happened to me.” Long live Darrang College!!!

DATED FOREVER

One day… when
I shall no longer
Be there with you,
No longer by your side,
To hold your hands,
No longer there to smile,
To laugh with you
Because I shall be gone,
Far away from you
Beyond life; beyond the blue sky…
This little piece of memory,
Will remind you of me, my fragrance,
Of all the good times,
Of all the tears and smiles,
Of today, and of yesterday…
And you’ll never miss me again,
Cause’, this is a fragment of me,
For you… forever…

Fried
Eye / CC
BY-NC-ND 2.5

BEING HUMAN

There was something special in his eyes
The little boy who stared at me,
From behind the dirty tea-stall…
There was something he wanted to say,
As he brought me a cup of tea.

I looked into his painful eyes
And gave him a smile
He didn’t smile back, but held his gaze…
He had brown eyes and a perky nose
Resting on his innocent face…

I asked him his name,
But helplessly he kept staring at me
I soon discovered he had no choice
He could not hear a word
And neither had his voice.

He was an outcast,
A burden to the family.
He was made to fulfill their dreams
He could not protest
He accepted his duty.

His eight years of life brought him no smile
He was doomed to a life of labor
But there was something deep in his heart
Unsaid, unheard, never to be let out
To be kept hidden, forever.

Maybe a day would come,
For him to realize his silent dreams
He could not speak, and perhaps never can
But he had all that he needed
The feeling of being human…

Fried
Eye / CC
BY-NC-ND 2.5

WAITING FOR THE DAY TO BREAK

Walking through a dark alley
In search of a light,
I felt lost, and lonely
Like the road would never end,
And I would never be happy again…

In search of my dreams
That existed beyond the horizon
I went ahead, refusing to retreat.
Knowing that the darkness would give way
To a stream of hope; to a bright day.

The endless road, the black tunnel,
Pervaded by a sea of quiet…
Conspired to tear me down
I was fighting hysteria, dying to give up
But the heart would not let me succumb.

After an infinity of numbness
I could see a faint light, far away
Ah! The night was over!
I took in my last breath and reached out for it,
With eternal hopes, of a new life to start with…

Fried
Eye / CC
BY-NC-ND 2.5

TOUCHING LIVES

There’s not a single heart
That can beat, in solitude
Without thoughts of another

There’s not a single soul
That has been born
Without a mate, born for it some where

Not a single cloud without rain
Not a day without light

Not a single flower that doesn’t wait
For a butterfly
Not a single eye
That doesn’t cry…

No dream comes without desire
No smile, without hope

We’re touching lives every moment
If there is love, there are feelings
There is a “You”, and there is a “Me”
There is “Us” and an eternity…

ETERNAL DREAM

Early this morning, I had a dream
Lonely, on a moonlit night,
I was waiting, for you…
Thinking, when shall the day break?
The first rays of the sun would bring in
A new brightness, a new hope,
Perhaps, I would see you then…
Playing hide and seek
In between the darkness,
And the silver rays of the moon…

There was a moment
When I thought I had seen you,
But then, again, I was let down
It was only a figment of my imagination…

You know, even the Moon gave up
It could not stand your silly game
It left me alone, facing the empty sky,
Buried in the darkness… again…

Today, I stand alone, totally alone
And you did not come to see me
Not even once…
To bring a smile on my face
You were not there…

Once again, the dream came to an end
And the bright sun of hope had set…
When will you come, to me, with promises?
Like the Moon, with a group of stars and beautiful dreams?
I shall wait
Forever, if needed…
This dream holds me together
This, is my dream
An eternal dream…

Fried
Eye / CC
BY-NC-ND 2.5

Ode to the people who made this summer the best one ever

As soon as the summer set in, I realized that the heat’s going to be bad this year. The rains did hardly help. It made no difference to the Oh-so-hot summer season. And as much as I did pray for the rain to come and cool up the air, it did come, but only at times when I was planning to go out, only to result in all my plans getting cancelled. I was not in a very good mood and neither had great expectations from the summer vacation that was coming. But then, I was proved wrong, some things changed, and I ended up having one of the best summers ever (I don’t usually have great summers, so since this was quite bearable despite the bad heat, I’ll consider it the best) .Before I get back to my normal life of classes and college and books and exams from next week, I must, by and large, thank some people who have, either knowingly or unknowingly, actively or passively, somehow or the other contributed in making this summer this good for me. So here goes…

At the very outset, I would like to thank some friends who had managed to freshen up my fried up mind a week before the actual vacation started. A get together of some of our school friends was all I needed to step into the vacations with some good memories. It started out when Pankima Kaushik, one of my friends from school who studies in Guwahati now, called up and asked if we could meet up. It had been years since we had last met. We got in touch with all the “Out of Station friends” who had come home for their vacations, and the local ones too, and ended up with 12 Ex-Josephians ready for a Reunion Party. We had one heck of a day, starting with gossips, lunch, jumping about to a trip to the park and trying to capture every moment in our memories and cameras. It was one of the best memories of the summer. So here’s a big thanks to Pankima Kaushik, Monalisa Borah, Manjushree Deka, Ashmita Roy, Ankita Sharma, Priyanka Dey, Drihata Kakati, Trisha Saikia, Namrata Borah, Alankrita Devi and Kangkana Saikia for giving me such a beautiful day to live.

Next on the list would be Namrata Choudhury, who happens to be a very good friend and a sweet sister. She turned up to meet me after more than a year and I was so, so, so glad to see her. We had so much to talk, so much to share, so much to laugh about. I had another great day, right after the vacations had started, with Namrata and my twin friends Enisha and Bidisha Kalita. Any time spent with them is quality time, and to add to it we had 1 year of memories to create, because it would be another year before I could meet Namrata and probably 6 months before I could see Bidisha again. So, here’s to Namrata and Bidisha (Mona) and the memories that had me living through the summer.

The next, is of course Enisha Kalita, my right hand. Had it not been for this angel, I couldn’t have survived a day. The first half of the month was spent by both of us studying for our Mass Comm. exams (yes, we’re crazy, we are taking two degrees together, because we have nothing better to do, call us nerds if you must) and even those boring exams and then coming back home together, walking all the way, munching something, everything was bearable, in fact enjoyable, with her beside me. Any day I wanted her to, she was always there for me to make me smile, to take me out of my misery. She never left me alone. I knew I could always count on her to save my day. Maybe sometimes I took her company for granted, but this is to let her know that I totally love her and can never let go of her. So, here’s a big Thanks to her for saving my summer vacation.

Next, comes the best girl in my life, Jubee Agarwal, my soul mate, my best buddy. Like Enisha, she’s the most special, but she’s a tiny bit more special (No offense meant to Ena, I know that she realizes this too). Jub had been away for a long time, and I was more than glad to have her back. At least, I had someone to talk to all I wanted, as long as I wanted and she had a solution to every single problem I faced. And to top it all, she brought me two deadly bestsellers, Eclipse and Breaking Dawn, which ensured that I didn’t get bored for a good one week. I was stuck to the books so much that my folks at home grew tired of seeing me with a book in front of my nose all the time. My mother in fact threatened to throw away the book unless I finished reading it soon enough. But I tell you, Jub and the books saved a good half of my vacations. Not to mention, here’s a thanks to Jubee, also for the other two days during the holidays, when she tagged along with me to help buy gifts for my sister and parents, and the day we had lunch together (why does food always have to come back to my memory?) and for bearing through my silly problems and listening to them with so much patience and love ( she had her share of problems to share as well) .

Alright, it’s time for the family now. I would like to thank my dear sister Anjuman Borah for leaving her laptop (without which I would have literally freaked out) at home every day when she left for work, and for coming back home each evening with some juicy news, new information, loads to talk about and have fun together, taking evening walks and cooking up something new and fat free every day. I would also like to thank Mom and Dad for being my friends, and not guardians, this summer. I spent a lot of good times with them and got to see a newer side of them. That was freshening!

Next on the list is a surprise entry- Sankhya Samhita. Most people would probably have no idea what role she has to play in making my summer worth living, probably she doesn’t too herself. She’s a dear Ex Josephian too, my senior, whom I had not met since the last eight years. And even before that, we were not exactly the best of friends. One thing that I had in common with her was the passion for writing. She’s an excellent writer. I myself used to write a pretty lot earlier, but had somehow lost the habit. Going through her writings inspired to start writing again, and had it not been for her, you would probably not be reading this today. So, I owe her big time for bringing me and my pen back to life. And most of my time this summer has been spent in putting together bits and pieces of my poems and writings, creating this blog and writing more and more. Here, I’d like to add that she made my summer even better by letting me bring home with me nearly half her movie collection, which have made not only my summer, but probably the next 6 months worth living through. So, here goes a big thanks to Sankhya ba.

Here comes another surprise entry- Manjil P. Saikia, a new friend. Though he’s younger than me, his brain is nearly 5 times faster than mine. A Maths Olympiad gold medalist, a book lover, quiz champ, highly intellectual and a movie buff like me. I think we met once in January for like, 5 minutes, and again in April for 2 minutes. It was only during this summer that I realized that we could have so much to talk about and would have so much in common. His appreciation for my writings too inspired me to write more and explore new dimensions of life. And he too, like Sankhya ba got me loads of movies which I’ve been devouring one by one these last days of my Oh-so-sweet vacations. Big, big, big thanks to him for that.

So, moving on to the next person on my rescue list, there’s Amardeep Pegu. Technically, he’s my teacher, my mentor, but in the last couple of months, the effect might have been quite mutual (difficult to explain how). This once- introvert (not anymore) teacher of mine has become more of a friend, a brother over the summer. I never knew that he could be so much fun to talk to, so full of genuine warmth. It’s been a pleasure knowing more of him, and this new side of his personality has me awaiting the classes after the vacation, which I’m sure, will be more interesting than before. So, I’d like to thank Sir for making me lament less for the holidays coming to a close, because I have something better to look forward to. And, also, it was because of Sir only that I even bothered to keep in touch with my “real books” during the vacations, even though I didn’t want to, thus saving myself from a guilty conscience.

I definitely cannot get away without thanking another of my good friends Pranab Sil, who made sure that I wake up every morning with a beautiful text message that would lift up my spirits for the day, keep me entertained with super funny jokes during the day and a goodnight message that would definitely make me smile.That counts for Prantar Prateem Goswami too, who would without fail pop up a chat message as soon as I came online, tease me, chat with me, lifting my mood.

Last, but not the least, I would also like to mention Rimona Saikia whom I met just two days ago (after 2 years I think), in an ice cream parlor, and even in those few minutes we met, she made me go back to the good old days of School when we used to have so much fun. And wait, Madhurima Deka would definitely kill me if I don’t mention her. Just one single phone call from this perky little sister of mine, with her constant chattering for 30 minutes was enough to make up for all the times we had missed out, and made me happy at the end of a hot day when I was nearly on the verge of tears, because the inverter had stopped working and there was no electricity. Another word of thanks goes to both Rimona and Madhurima.

So, I think, that was all. Life’s going back to the same old track in a couple of days. But, I’m all set to face it. This was by far the only summer I managed to have fun, without leaving town. I hope my angels will help me live through the rest of the year too, with their blessed smiles and goodness.

A little something on Celebrations, Food, Family and Memories

In my last post about ‘THE PAST’, I had mentioned about my childhood memories, the memories of my school days, the memories of my 21 year old life. But memories are much more than just recalling a few incidents and playing them in your mind. There is a part called “CREATING MEMORIES” and another part called “RE-LIVING” them. Creating memories would be simply the times we went through those moments, creating them either consciously or unconsciously, so that just an image or even the mention of it could refresh it in our minds and could bring either a tear or a smile on our faces. Somebody had rightly said “Memories play a confusing role. They make you laugh when you think of the moments you had cried together, and they make you cry when you think of the moments you had laughed together”. Yes, memories are special when you can travel in your thoughts back to the old times. What, then, is RE-LIVING them? Living those moments again… just like they had happened months or years ago? It doesn’t mean watching a video of those moments which had been recorded at that time. It means, literally, experiencing those moments again. Like Déjà vu.

I have always considered myself extremely lucky to be the youngest one at home. This privilege, as I would call it, has had me rooted to my family all the more. Always the pampered one, I have been showered with all the love possible, all the goodness and all the attention from my parents and my dear sister. Most of the time I am either unable to give them back a little of the lot they do for me, or never think of doing any such thing. And on the rare occasions that I get the chance to do something for them, I give in my heart to make that day a special one for them, creating memories for all of us, and patting myself on my back saying “Well done, you’ve made them smile.” But the Déjà vu I’m talking about is only a part of the story and the best part yet.

Every year comes a day, when I become the responsible one. 23rd July. On this day, I end up planning more or less, half the day for shopping, in the sweltering heat, buying gifts and setting up parties and surprises. Because 24th July was the day my parents got married. And 25th July is the birthday of my sister.
So, that’s where the déjà vu comes in. Spending hours with a couple of friends (who tag along like it’s their own family they’re buying gifts for) in the market, on a hot 23rd July, looking from shop to shop for that perfect thing which I have in my mind, ordering a chocolate cake, instructing them over and over to make it perfect, trying to bargain with the shopkeepers, waiting for something to be done, taking a break and sitting with the friends, enjoying the cool breeze in Chat House, eating Papri chat and Aloo Tikki and gossiping in between… I’ve been through all these countless number of times, on this very day. It was more like years and years of practice.

This year, I played an excellent double role, as in playing a double game. On one hand, I planned out what gift to get for my sister with mom, while, on the other, I chalked out money from sis’ to get mom and dad gifts for their anniversary. Neither party knew what my actual intention was. Successfully, I got done everything and came back home, satisfied with myself, prepared to burst into “Surprise!” at the right time. A photo collage for sis’, while a brand new (yet, a very basic) Nokia mobile for Ma and Paa. Everything, yes, everything was perfect. Everybody was pretty happy with the gifts. All of this happened on the 23rd itself, however. Because, my sister was going to Guwahati the next day to attend a meeting (yes, she works on weekends too) and we couldn’t possibly stay hungry that long. We had an advanced celebration: a sumptuous dinner at the city’s best (Ahem! I mean simply our good ol’ Centre Point), which included everything from Chocolate ice cream to Fresh lime soda (which I didn’t quite like) to Chicken Drumsticks to Chilly garlic chicken to Garlic noodles to Hyderabadi Korma to Tandoori Rotis to plain rice and dal (which obviously my parents had). I and my sister, having forgotten all resolutions to eat less and diet and work out and blah blah, dug into the food and then resolved not to eat anything the next day. And the best part was that the bill didn’t even cross the Rs700 mark… And then, true to my resolve, next day I had only minimal food. It didn’t do much good, but gave me the satisfaction that I could keep my promise to myself.

While, preparations started to surprise my sister when she came back home on the evening of the 25th, her birthday, my mind flew back to my own birthday, when I get no such surprises (I wish I could give some opportunity to my folks to surprise me; I always demand for the gifts that I need or want). I hope now that I’ve sort of revealed my desire to be surprised, I’ll have better birthdays from next year onwards.
So, another round of surprises, including the chocolate cake, and a delicious meal of Chinese noodles and Lemon Chicken (made by me) awaits the sis’. Oh yes! The food plays the key role in most of the celebrations. And I suppose a party with music and dance and drinks is not what usually happens in our celebrations. Good food, the gesture of making the effort, the smiles it creates, quality time spent with each other while doing it and feeling “Family” is what counts. Count in another surprise for the birthday girl (gold earrings from Ma and Papa) and the neighbor kids joining us with their parents in our evening meal surprise, it turned out to be a happy day, ending with smiles and satisfied stomachs (Oh! Yes… I am a good cook…)

I am done with the single minded planning and being the responsible one for a year. Great memories have been created, and these are going to be preserved for some time now. These will soon be recreated; all these feelings will come back, come 23rd July, next year. I’ll be glad to do it all over and over again. Till then, adieu, memories!

KAHA GAYE WO DIN?

I’ve always had the habit of watching TV programmes at their best only. Be it my favorite serial, or that starring my favorite actor, I’ll watch it only during its climax, or during its happy times.. Reality shows are a different story… If I’ve watched the 1st episode and liked it, I’ll kip on watching it all the way up to the finals… But, soaps? Not to mention that the stories keep stretching on and on and on, getting more and more complicated, with new twists in the tale and moving away farther n farther from the main plot… For instance “Once upon a time most popular show” Dill Mill Gayye on Star One was a treat to watch, but it simply refused to unite the lovers and finally after 200 something episodes I lost my interest and stopped watching the damn show… Other sagas being told are the stories of Ichcha (Uttaran) and the two sisters (Bidaai) which have abandoned the central theme and carrying on forcibly and desperately to get back.. What’s more, they have now taken a leap, calling it a second season.

All of these have given me a lot of food for thought. It left me reminiscing with my sister last night about where have all those shows gone which we used to watch for years and years tirelessly, or the ones of which we could finally see a happy ending… There were days when we used to wait a whole week restlessly to watch the special Sunday programmes on Doordarshan. Starting from the mythological Shree Krishna, Mahabharata and Ramayana to kid shows like Shaktimaan, School Days, Captain Vyom, Malgudi Days and sitcoms like Jaane bhi do yaaron, Hum Paanch, Idhar Udhar, Shreeman Shrimati, Naurangilal ke haseen sapne and thrillers like Karamchand and Tehkikaat, watching TV was a treat.. TV is still interesting, but Doordarshan no longer is. I remember watching the show SCHOOL DAYS as a 7yr old. I and my sister used to go nuts if there was a power cut even for 2 minutes while the show was running.. Man! Where have all those days gone?

Not only Doordarshan, but even cable TV had some amazing shows till even 10 yrs back. I remember watching reruns of Small Wonder tirelessly. I must have watched each episode at least 10 times. There’s Hannah Montana, Wizards of Waverly Place and The suite life of Zack and Cody now, no doubt, but these can never replace d classics like Small Wonder, Seinfield, Full House and F.R.I.E.N.D.S!

Who wants to watch Rakhi Sawant or Rahul Mahajan choosing their life partners, when what we’d love to watch is d return of Kaun Banega Crorepati… The truth is that adaptations of western reality shows format are far better than what the creative minds of Indian Television have to offer… May be shows like Roadies are an exception and MTV’s doing a pretty good job with their Pagalpanti, but for how long can we bear reality shows on each and every possible emotion, talent or affair? They haven’t left out LOVE, MARRIAGE, RELATIONSHIPS n even PARENTS-CHILDREN bonds 4m formatting into reality shows…

Maybe most people are nowadays so busy in their work, or other responsibilities, that having time to watch TV doesn’t even fall as an option in their lives. But, some TV buffs (like me) do, and they’d like to watch some classy programmes like they used to 15-20yrs ago.. There’s just one feeling that comes to my mind now – KAHA GAYE WO DIN?

BEING MYSELF

Deep inside my heart
I bore the feeling this long
Not any more, though!

My life it is,
But why can’t I be myself?
Just myself, and not go with the flow…

Why do I have to pretend
to be a different person?
Why do I have to be
A puppet in the hands of the world?
My life if it is,
Then, why can’t I be the Lord?

Why am I to please everybody,
At the cost of my smiles..
My cheers?
Why can’t I even cry,
when I want to
vent out my tears?

Why do I have to hold them back,
so as not to hurt…
(huh) the ones who brought them into my eyes..!!

Why must someone else get to decide,
what my feelings should be?
Why can’t I think for myself,
decide for myself
what I want to see and
how I want the world to think of me?

What the heck! Even my dreams are not mine
They are made by others..
Which I have to follow
Coz’ that’s how the trend goes,
And that’s what they expect of Me!

I can’t be the one
who I really am.
The world says-”Go ahead and win over your dreams”,
but they never do help!

What have I gotten into, I wonder,
what have I just created?

I WAS JUST TRYING TO BE MYSELF!

WITH SOME LOVE AND SOME MAGIC

One day an angel came and whispered to me,
For a day,I am going to let you be free
Free from the bonds of life and its way,
But do be back before the magic fades away.

To win all my dreams, will a day be enough?
But a challenge it is, and has to be tough!
How weird is it that though I am free,
The time is bound still! Just a day it has to be.

I set off to live the special day I had,
In this day, the angel had her magic sprayed
With a bit of magic and lots of wonders,
I was going to mend up all my blunders.

I went off to college, to make a fresh start
And greeted my friends, close to my heart.
My secret, I kept to myself though,
I shared with them the magic of the show.

Trouble makers had their lessons learnt,
The proud and arrogant had their egos burnt.
I lived a lifetime in a single day,
For today, an angel showed me the way.

There was no wrong, no hatred, no fight,
This special day for me, was just the right,
I did my duties, and had my share of fun
It went the way I wanted,
My dreams, I had won.

I made my day happy with some love and some magic
With friends and dear ones, there was fun and frolic
Besides, the day gave me knowledge and wisdom,
To make up my wonderful day of freedom.

Just then I saw my angel coming again
lookin beautiful with her golden mane,
I smiled at her, and she said with a beam
Your day is over, and so is your sweet dream..